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[19] Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
[20] My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
[21] But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
[22] The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
[23] they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
[24] “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

(Lamentations 3:19-24 ESV)


Emily and I are finishing our first full week back to work since finding out the news.  In fact tomorrow is my last day as a resident.  We are still finding people at work who haven't heard, or who are experiencing the story over again when they see us.  I find myself sharing the story in the same way.  It is a good story, and testimony to God's goodness even in what looks like suffering.  However, I wonder if I sound like a broken record to some who have heard our story a few times.

That is what I am hoping this blog does for me.  It should help me process my thoughts and my musings on the word of God so that He can continue to use this is our lives and to glorify himself to others through it.

Thank you Lord.

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble

Family is now gone, except for my mom.  Was it an effective weekend for the gospel?  It is hard to say.  I never got the one-to-one time I wanted with many of my family members to determine if they have a relationship with Christ.  Now I must continue to pray for open doors and for effective phone conversations.

The graduation ceremony last night was certainly an opportunity to share my faith.  It was another of those experiences where I had loosely-prepared remarks but now that it's over, I can't remember how much I said or didn't say or if it was effective.  There were certainly people crying, including my mom.  However, was it clear that my hope was in Jesus?  Was it clear that everyone could have a hope in him that way?  I pray that that would produce many fruitful interactions in the future, especially with those who don't know Christ in that way.

I was supposed to speak with the surgeon from UCSF tonight, but he did not answer when I called.  I hope we can connect tomorrow.  I start back to work tomorrow.  Hope I can keep up the emotional energy.


The Lord gave me this verse this afternoon as a part of our "through the Bible in a year" curriculum.  He continues to give me a supernatural peace that is all of grace.


[33] But [n]seek first [o]the kingdom of God and his righteousness, [p]and all these things will be added to you.
[34] [q]“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
(Matthew 6:33-34 ESV)

[Cross References]
=======================================================
[n] [ch. 5:6, 20]
[o] ver. 10
[p] [1 Kgs. 3:11-14; Mark 10:29, 30; 1 Tim. 4:8; 1 Pet. 3:9]
[q] [James 4:13, 14]

Too many options

Family's all here now.  There haven't been as many tears as I expected.  That's a good thing.  Though it has been comforting for everything to be relatively normal in our family relationships, again, I don't want to lose the urgency to make the gospel clear.

"Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God.  But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."  Heb 3:12-13

Lord, glorify yourself in us.

I also have been more confused now that we have more options.  I received a phone call from a neurosurgeon at MD Anderson who was very gracious to spend 30 minutes on the phone with me explaining the extent of my tumor, describing the surgery and potential risks (7-9% risk of hemiparesis), their approach, and various other details.  That was really nice.  However, how can I say for sure who is better between him and the neurosurgeon at UCSF.  He very graciously said I would be well taken care of at either MD Anderson or at UCSF...but that he thought they could do things as well or better.  There just doesn't seem to be a clearly superior path to take...

great news! but I liked me better before

Already the temptation to waste my time is creeping in again.  In fact it seems like the days fly by without even my actively wasting them.  That is my biggest concern.  Lord don't let me waste my tumor.

We heard back from my neurosurgeon here at OU who spoke with the neurosurgeon at UCSF.  He said:
"He is fairly optimistic he can help you quoting about a 3% serious complication rate (i.e. you couldn't work as a surgeon) with an almost 100% 10-year survival.  Adjuvant therapy and actual survival rates depend of final pathology."

That is definitely good news.  Praise the Lord for his mercy.  It was certainly beyond my expectations.  I thought I was being optimistic to hope for 5 more years with my family before going to be with the Lord.  However, almost immediately I started to let my guard down...to lose my urgency to be effective.  It is good news, but I think I liked me better when I only had 5 years to live.

10+ years is a long time.  Can I remain faithful to the calling for that long?  Can I remain faithful to the calling NOW, considering I have that long.

I do want to be with Jesus.  I know that is a little selfish, but I don't think it is wrong.  I know that Paul lived in this tension as well.  His words have been my comfort:

"For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to sham in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.  For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose.  But I am hard-pressed from both directions,  having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake."  Phil 1:20-24

"For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.  For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven, inasmuch as we, having put it on, will not be found naked.  For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life.  Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge.  Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord--for we walk by faith, not by sight--we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.  Therefore also we have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."  2 Cor 5:1-9

The "Therefore" at the end of 2 Cor 5:9 has troubled me.  Lord, may my desire to be with you bear fruit in this world...that my ambition would be to be pleasing to you whether at home (with You), or absent (in this world).

Our first update and request for prayer

As an introduction to the events that changed our lives about 8 days ago, I will use our initial prayer letter as my first Blog post.

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Dearest Friends and Family,                                                                           June 22, 2011

We hope that this letter finds you all doing well.  We are writing in usual McLaurin fashion to update you with the latest big transitions in our life.  If only we were better at keeping in touch!  Please do forgive the group email.  Know that each of you holds a dear spot in our hearts and that we miss those of you whom we don’t see on a regular basis.

Originally we thought we’d be updating you about our plans to move to Little Rock so that Colby could begin his pediatric ENT fellowship training at Arkansas Children’s Hospital after finishing his 5-year residency next week.  There were a lot of exciting things to anticipate with our move to Little Rock, but God has changed our plans. 

Eleven days ago while rounding at the hospital, Colby started to feel unwell.  He came home and rested for several hours and felt better.  That evening, he developed episodes involving a strange combination of neurological symptoms: dizziness, tinnitus (ringing in his ear), dysgeusia (very bad taste in his mouth), and numbness in his left arm.  This would last only a few seconds and was followed by a mild headache on the right side of his head.  The headache would resolve within an hour without need for medication.  These episodes occurred 4-6 times per day on Sunday and Monday and were non-reproducible but consistent in character, prompting us to organize an MRI for Tuesday afternoon.  The MRI showed a mass on the right side of Colby’s brain.  

Since then we have met with 2 local neurosurgeons who agree that the appearance of the mass on MRI is of a low-grade glioma.  It is about 3x5 cm in size, is located mostly in the right temporal lobe and wraps around the most prominent artery of the right cerebral hemisphere.  For reference, this is the same general category of tumor that Matt Chandler (pastor of Village Church in Flower Mound, TX) had/has though his was in the frontal lobe and is one of the histological subtypes that is susceptible to chemotherapy.  It tends to affect people around our age (Colby just turned 33).  In general these are slow growing tumors.  It may have been there for several years and may stay there for many more years without causing any further problems.  Unfortunately, the natural course is that they all eventually transform into a more high-grade malignancy, after which time the end is near.  The median survival is 7 years after diagnosis, though with a large range on either side of that.

Most neurosurgeons do not talk about cure as a possibility with this type of tumor.   Though there aren't good studies on treatment, there is accumulating evidence and a general opinion in the neurosurgical community that aggressive surgery can lead to prolonged survival.  The more senior neurosurgeon we met with recommended surgery with the goal of buying us 10-15 years, at which time the state-of-the-art in chemotherapy and radiation may be more successful in treating this type of tumor than it is now.  He is in the process of communicating with the chair of neurosurgery at UCSF who has built his career on treating this type of tumor.  We hope to be able to visit this neurosurgeon within the next couple of weeks.

In the meantime, we have decided that it doesn't make sense to move our family to Arkansas next week.  In Oklahoma City, we have been blessed with a wonderful church, community, neighborhood, and support system.  Though God had already begun providing abundantly in Little Rock, if something were to happen to Colby there, Emily and Jireh (our daughter who is 2 years old today—Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!) would be by themselves, and that doesn't sound too appealing.  So we are staying here for the foreseeable future.  For the time being, Colby feels great.  He has started seizure medication and has absolutely no symptoms.  We are thankful for the blessing of time and the strong reminder that we are to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).   

While Colby was waiting for the MRI, both of us were in prayer.  Aware of the possibility of a tumor, Christ gave both of us the strength to praise him no matter what the outcome.  Colby said, "If it is a tumor, thank you, because I know you are going to do something really good with it."  Christ has already shown himself to be so gracious and powerful in our lives, from providing for us to stay in Oklahoma City, preventing our house from selling, allowing Emily to keep her job, and allowing a way for Colby to be added to Emily’s health insurance.  We continue to be confident that God has something wonderful planned for this, and we pray daily that we will not waste this opportunity to be effective for His Kingdom.

Many have asked us if there is anything that they can do to help.  Thank you SO MUCH for your generosity, concern, and loving kindness.  Since we are still waiting to hear from the neurosurgeon in San Francisco, we are focusing on time together as a family and ironing out details for how Colby may be best used both in and out of the world of medicine.  For now, our biggest need is truly your prayers.  So here are our requests:

2. We are looking for ways that Colby may be faithful to the calling and not waste his tumor.  It has already produced untold amounts of fruit in our lives spiritually, and we want it to bless others as well.  He is open to sharing his testimony and the gospel in any format or event.

3. Please pray for wisdom as we focus on today while also planning for the future.  Pray that Emily does not grow a spirit of fear or worry and that both of us will be able to spend rich times studying the Bible daily.

4. Though Jireh is still young, please pray for wisdom in knowing how and when to share this journey with her through the years. Pray that she will learn from Colby’s example of faith and grow to trust the Lord despite the hardship she will one day face.

It is our privilege to walk this road together with your support.  We will send updates as they come and are grateful for your love. If you wish to be removed from this prayer list, please don’t hesitate to let us know.  We won’t be offended at all.  Also if you know anyone else who you think would like to hear from us and pray for us, we would be happy to add them to this list.  Just let us know!

“Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.”

~Habakkuk 3:18

Love,

Emily, Colby, and Jireh