Already the temptation to waste my time is creeping in again. In fact it seems like the days fly by without even my actively wasting them. That is my biggest concern. Lord don't let me waste my tumor.
We heard back from my neurosurgeon here at OU who spoke with the neurosurgeon at UCSF. He said:
"He is fairly optimistic he can help you quoting about a 3% serious complication rate (i.e. you couldn't work as a surgeon) with an almost 100% 10-year survival. Adjuvant therapy and actual survival rates depend of final pathology."
That is definitely good news. Praise the Lord for his mercy. It was certainly beyond my expectations. I thought I was being optimistic to hope for 5 more years with my family before going to be with the Lord. However, almost immediately I started to let my guard down...to lose my urgency to be effective. It is good news, but I think I liked me better when I only had 5 years to live.
10+ years is a long time. Can I remain faithful to the calling for that long? Can I remain faithful to the calling NOW, considering I have that long.
I do want to be with Jesus. I know that is a little selfish, but I don't think it is wrong. I know that Paul lived in this tension as well. His words have been my comfort:
"For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to sham in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake." Phil 1:20-24
"For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven, inasmuch as we, having put it on, will not be found naked. For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge. Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord--for we walk by faith, not by sight--we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord. Therefore also we have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him." 2 Cor 5:1-9
The "Therefore" at the end of 2 Cor 5:9 has troubled me. Lord, may my desire to be with you bear fruit in this world...that my ambition would be to be pleasing to you whether at home (with You), or absent (in this world).
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